As an estate planner, I have the opportunity to observe all varieties of family dynamics. No matter how much parents want their children to get along, this is not always the case. Sometimes, unpleasant family dynamics are the result of longstanding issues between siblings, or between parents and children. Other times they are the result of a recent specific incident or situation; for example, one child is resentful that she is providing assistance to an aging parent while another child who resides out of state provides little assistance but does not hesitate to criticize what her sister does for their parent. Sometimes these disputes simmer below the surface and sometimes they boil up into full blown hostilities. In all cases, these issues can stand in the way of family members working together cooperatively to make necessary decisions regarding family matters such as how to divide up the contents of a parent’s home or where an elderly parent should receive care.
Most people know that mediation is a method to help people resolve disputes, and that it is often used as an alternative to litigation in business disputes or divorce. A less well known but growing area in the mediation world is Adult Family and Elder Mediation, which helps families reach consensus on family issues. Here are five things you should know about family and elder mediation:
- How Does Mediation Work?
Mediation is a problem-solving process that is facilitated by a trained professional mediator who is neutral and impartial. Family members voluntarily agree to come together and work with a mediator to resolve a particular issue or discuss a difficult situation. The mediator speaks separately with each family member and then facilitates one or more joint family discussions. During the mediation process, the mediator will help the family identify topics and issues important to each of them and assist the family to discuss them in a productive way. Mediation considers each participant’s needs, concerns, goals, and priorities, and each participant has an opportunity to share her ideas and to be heard. The mediator will also help the family identify the information the family needs to make an informed decision about the topic in question (including guidance from elder law and estate planning attorneys, accountants, financial planners, geriatric care managers, or other substantive experts). Participants in mediation make all substantive decisions together, by consensus.
- What Types of Issues Can Be Mediated?
Mediation can help families resolve all types of issues that arise in a family setting. For example, topics for discussion and resolution may include:
- family members’ caregiving roles, responsibilities, and/or compensation
- financial oversight and management
- selection of residential living options
- estate planning
- estate disputes
- selection of who will serve as power of attorney, health care proxy and/or trustee
- family vacation homes
- inheritance of valuable or treasured family collections, photos, heirlooms, jewelry or other items
- whether an elderly parent should continue to drive
- choices regarding end-of-life care
- how the family communicates and shares information.
- Why Should My Family Consider Mediation?
Unresolved family issues can result in long-lasting family rifts. Mediation helps families preserve their relationships and diffuse difficult family dynamics. The process allows families who have difficulty resolving family issues to reach a consensus and move forward. The mediator keeps the conversation on track and provides a neutral and safe forum for each family member to share thoughts and concerns on a particular issue and to listen to fellow family members do the same. Mediation helps to avoid crisis-driven decision-making and gives families tools for resolving future issues that arise. Mediation is also less costly, less time consuming and less stressful than litigation or other adversarial processes.
- What Can We Hope to Achieve?
With the help of a trained mediator, the mediation process can help family members hear one another more easily and more fully understand one another’s perspectives, even if they do not always agree. Over the long term, families can reduce stress and tension, improve communication with each other, and learn to work together productively to address issues as they arise. A mediator can help a family to develop strategies for working together productively. Not only does this help preserve family harmony, but it allows families to make decisions that are in the best interest of their aging parent, without judgment being clouded by individual agendas and issues not relevant to the problem at hand.
- How Do We Take the First Step?
If you are interested in exploring mediation for an issue or situation that is affecting your family, contact an experienced family mediator. A good place to start is the website of the Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation (www.mcfm.org), which allows you to search for a family mediator in your area. From there, you can consult with the mediator to determine if they specialize in the area in which you require assistance. A local firm that specializes in issues common to elders and their families is the Centre for Mediation & Dispute Resolution in Wellesley, which can be found at www.cmdronline.com.
March 2015
Attorney Maria C. Baler is an estate planning and elder law attorney and a partner with the Dedham law firm of Samuel, Sayward & Baler LLC. This article is not intended to provide legal advice or create or imply an attorney-client relationship. No information contained herein is a substitute for a personal consultation with an attorney. For more information, visit www.ssbllc.com or call (781) 461-1020.